Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
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sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet