If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
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“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories