“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
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[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong