No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
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[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside