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Weirdly Wednesday.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.