professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
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A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math