I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
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“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
good work, detective
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
one last job
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.