[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
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When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
They’re on their honeymoon
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”