Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
You Might Also Like
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen