This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
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“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?