me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
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Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.