Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
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You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Anime is real
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
A huge thanks to the person that did this
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
This is my bus stop.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”