I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
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No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes