[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
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Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings