It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
You Might Also Like
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Passed by a old school Math example today.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.