People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
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A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.