My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
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What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Close call…
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too