Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
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When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
My background check bounced.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.