guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
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why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
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I still have Pringles?
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink