I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
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I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
what
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on