*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
You Might Also Like
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it