I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
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new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?