Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
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HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”