[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
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How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
sugar glider wrangler
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.