A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
You Might Also Like
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
My dating profile:
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.