[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
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But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I cannot call her anything else now
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.