Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
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Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
i meant to share this earlier
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.