Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
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[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
How dramatic are you?
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Candles never taste the way they smell
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Born to be mild.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Oh thanks BBC.