Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
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Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.