Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
You Might Also Like
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Have kids, they said
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.