CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
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[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.