I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
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This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Single and childfree like Jesus
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet