pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
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Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?