Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
You Might Also Like
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
same energy
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again