when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
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Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Taking phone security to the next level.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?