Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F