professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
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[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Anyone want a chair?
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular