Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
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What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.