*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
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Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”