I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
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[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Meowchelangelo
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet