I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
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So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”