her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
You Might Also Like
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.