For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
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Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.