Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
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ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”