We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
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SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Natty or not?
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.