inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
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Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
What?
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on