Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
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Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.