[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
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Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
🤣🤣🤣
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?