280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
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Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread