If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
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The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
This is what makes twitter great
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Inside you there are two wolves
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it